Today I decided to make a purchase that may or may not pan out in the future.

I bought a casket off of overstock.com.

No, I really don’t plan on dieing anytime soon, but I figured it may be a worthwhile investment. Given the cost of inflation, I figure when I die a casket will probably cost about the same as a new car does now. That’s a savings of almost twenty thousand dollars. That’s a sizable amount of less life insurance I have to carry from now on.

What about storage you may ask?

I figure it will be more of a pleasure to store than burden. I mean, this is the ultimate Halloween prop. Who else can say they have a real casket in their living room. I think it will make a great coffee table.

I can’t wait to lie in it during my favorite holiday of the year when all the little trick or treaters come to my door and then have them escorted up to the edge of it and I will all of a sudden sit up and throw candy at them. Can you imagine the nightmares those little brats will have? I ought to get in cahoots with a child psychiatrist to get a cutback on referrals…

The ideas are endless.

If this thing is actually as comfortable as they look, I plan on using it instead of the couch on those late poker and dart nights, when I am refused entry to my bedroom by the better half.

I could wake up in the morning and honestly say I slept like the dead.

Can you imagine the looks you would get when you moved? Just imagine 4 guys carrying a casket out of the house into the moving truck! The neighbors would talk for years. It would be like living next to the Burbs, only in real life!

The naysayers may think that I will never get to use it though, as by the time I die, cremation will be the only legal option for burial due to space constraints. Even if that is the case, this thing is made out of 18-gauge steel. You have any idea what steel will be worth in 60 or 80 years? You think the price of metals are high now. Give it another 60 or 80 years of inflation driven by a Republican economy roughly fifty percent of the time…

The only thing that bothers me is that the warranty is only 30 days and it has a 1 to 6 week delivery time. So there is a very good chance that once I receive it, it may already be out of warranty. I don’t know what could really go wrong with it, but maybe the door hinge only has a lifespan of a few openings, cause I mean much more than under normal use that and you probably have a bigger problem than a broken hinge anyway…

I’m not sure what the restocking fee is or if they even allow it, but the real question is who checks these types of returns when they come back to judge if it’s been used or not? What does a job like this pay? What do you even call it? Coffin Defecation Stain Checker?

Anyway, if anyone knows of a good deal on a used hearse, let me know. I just might be in the market!

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