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A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me
up.’  He looked around and couldn’t see any one.  He thought he was dreaming
when he heard the voice say a gain,’Pick me up.’

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, ‘Are you talking to me?’

The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you.  Pick me up then, kiss me and I’ll
turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.  I’ll make sure that
all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!’

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, ‘What, are you nuts?  Didn’t you hear what I said?  I
said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.’

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

‘Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.’

To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of
this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy
has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the
good news is this: The economy doesn’t pose a threat to your job. What
does threaten your job; however, is the changing political landscape in
this country.

However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help
you decide what is in your best interests.

First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against
employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is
a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by
what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Subaru Outback outside.
You’ve seen my big home at last year’s Christmas party. I’m sure all
these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealised thoughts about my
life.

However, what you don’t see is the back story.

I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 2
bedroom flat for 3 years. My entire living area was converted into an
office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which
by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of baked beans, stew and soup because every dollar I
spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a
wonky transmission. I didn’t have time to go out with women. Often
times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and
partying. In fact, I was married to my business — hard work,
discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a
modest $50,000 a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove
flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer
clothes. Instead of hitting David Jones for the latest hot fashion
item, I was trolling through the discount stores extracting any clothing
item that didn’t look like it was birthed in the 70’s. My friends
refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I,
however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business
with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford
these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in
at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don’t. There is no “off” button
for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend
all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and
breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is
no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached
to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only
see the fruits of that garden — the nice house, the Subaru, the
vacations… you never realise the back story and the sacrifices I’ve made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy who made all the right
decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who
didn’t. The people that overspent their pay suddenly feel entitled to
the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life
for.

Yes, business ownership has its benefits but the price I’ve paid is
steep and not without wounds.

Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is
starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell
you why:

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don’t pay enough.
I have State taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes.
Payroll taxes. Workers compensation. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes.
I have to hire an accountant to manage all these
taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him.
Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes
with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a cheque to
the Australian tax Office for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know
what my “stimulus” cheque was? Zero. Zip. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy
who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000
people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother
sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her
next welfare cheque? Obviously, government feels the latter is the
economic stimulus of this country.

The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your pay you’d quit and
you wouldn’t work here. I mean, why should you? That’s nuts. Who wants
to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why
your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don’t understand … to stimulate the economy
you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had the government suddenly
mandated to me that I didn’t need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of
depositing that $288,000 into the Canberra black-hole, I would have
spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic
growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in
the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don’t
defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to
life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the
heart of Australia and always has been. To restart it, you must
stimulate it, not kill it. But the power brokers in Canberra believe the
poor of Australia are the essential drivers of the Australian economic
engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is
the type of change you can keep.

So where am I going with all this?

It’s quite simple.

If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be
swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead
with the government to pay for your mortgage, your 4WD and your child’s
future. Frankly, it isn’t my problem any more.

Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and
retire. You see, I’m done. I’m done with a country that penalises the
productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to
provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.

So, if you lose your job, it won’t be at the hands of the economy; it
will be at the hands of politicians who swept through this country and
changed its financial landscape forever. If that happens, you can find
me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about….

Signed,

Your boss

via Email Jokes

It’s impressive to be able to give away 31.2 million free Gmail accounts, as Google has. It’s even more impressive to get customers to pay for 40 million mailboxes, as Zimbra reported today, representing a sharp spike from the 20 million paid mailboxes reported in early 2009.

The secret to Zimbra’s success? Innovation and integration, in part. While Google Maps has found its way into a range of different applications, Zimbra leads Gmail in mash-ups (called “Zimlets” in Zimbra parlance). My company is a Zimbra customer, and one of our sales engineers wrote a Zimlet to integrate Alfresco with Zimbra…in his spare time…over a weekend.

Yes, Zimbra is that easy to extend.

As for innovation, as just one example Zimbra beat Gmail to offline application access by two years. Not bad for a company with a fraction of Google’s employees (or PhDs).

As VentureBeat points out, Zimbra is now ahead of Gmail in unique mailboxes and only slightly behind Microsoft’s Hotmail service. That’s pretty impressive: one little open-source company takes on the two titans of software and wins (against Gmail), or shortly could win (against Hotmail).

Yes, the jump from 20 million to 40 million is likely due to Comcast’s decision to use Zimbra for its user e-mail accounts. But it’s still impressive.

via Zimbra tops Google’s Gmail with 40 million paid mailboxes | The Open Road – CNET News.

North Dakota-based Bobcat Co., known for its skid-steer loaders, is forming an alliance with snowmobile-maker Polaris Industries Inc.

It’s a move both companies hope will add customers and boost profits as they battle an economic slump.

Polaris CEO Scott Wine says his company will make work vehicles and sell them to Bobcat for sale through Bobcat’s dealer network. Later, the two companies will develop other vehicles and share technology.

Polaris spokeswoman Marlys Knutson says the initial wave of vehicles will be made at the company’s plant in Spirit Lake, Iowa, beginning next year.

Polaris, based in Medina, Minnesota, makes all-terrain vehicles, snowmobiles and motorcycles. Bobcat, based in West Fargo, North Dakota, makes compact construction equipment.

via Bobcat, Polaris Announce Alliance – Money News Story – KCCI Des Moines.

When there were old-school parking meters in New York, quarters were precious.

One day, I’m walking down the street and a guy comes up to me and says, “Do you have a dollar for four quarters?” He held out his hand with four quarters in it.

Curious, I engaged with him. I took out a dollar bill and took the four quarters.

Then he turned to me and said, “can you spare a quarter?”

What a fascinating interaction.

First, he engaged me. A fair trade, one that perhaps even benefited me, not him.

Now, we have a relationship. Now, he knows I have a quarter in my hand, even. So his next request is much more difficult to turn down. If he had just walked up to me and said, “can you spare a quarter,” he would have been invisible.

Too often, we close the sale before we even open it.

Interact first, sell second.

via Seth’s Blog: The panhandler’s secret.

This is just plain brilliant. Makes you wonder how someone with this type of sales ability is panhandling…

In case you haven’t had a chance to read the 1000+ page stimulus bill that was passed on Friday, Ron Lieber at the New York Times has highlighted some of the provisions that will directly affect the average American.

Here’s our summary of what Lieber has put together, supplemented with more details from the Associated Press:

* Tax credit of up to $400 for individuals, $800 for couples for 2009 and 2010. Figure your individual credit by taking 6.2% of your earned income. Note that your employer can adjust your withholdings so that the credit is returned to you over the year instead of all at once. The Associated Press says most people will see this in the form of a $13 bump in weekly paychecks starting in June, and dropping to about $7.70 a week for the duration of 2010.

* The $1000 child tax credit will be extended to more families, and if you’re a poor family with three or more kids, you’ll get an expanded Earned Income Tax Credit.

* No tax on the first $2400 of unemployment you receive in 2009.

* The government will subsidize up to 65% of your premium for Cobra coverage if you lost your job after Sep 1st, 2008. If you declined Cobra, you’ll have 60 days to reconsider.

* $87 billion is going to help states administer Medicaid, which the AP notes “could slow or reverse some of the steps states have taken to cut the program.”

* If you get food stamps, you’ll get more.

* If you’re drawing unemployment, expect to see $25 more per check, and the duration of the benefits has been extended.

* If you receive Social Security payments, you’ll see a one-time extra payment of $250.

* If you buy a new car, light truck, recreational vehicle or motorcycle in 2009, you’ll be able to deduct the state and local taxes you paid on it.

* If you add energy-efficient doodads to your home this year, you can get a tax credit to cover 30% of the costs, up to $1500.

* Pell Grants will increase slightly.

* The “Higher Education Tax Credit” will refund “up to $2,500 of the cost of college tuition and other related expenses in 2009 and 2010. You’ll need to spend at least $4,000 in a single year to get the full credit.”

* You can use withdrawals from a 529 college savings plan to cover computers and related technology and services for the first time in 2009 and 2010.

* First time home buyers who buy between January 1-December 1 2009 will receive a refundable tax credit of up to $8000, figured by taking 10% of the purchase price of your home. The credit doesn’t have to be repaid, but you do have to keep the home for at least 3 years.

* The amount of pre-tax income you can set aside through your employer for public transit will increase to $230 a month (equivalent to what you can set aside if you drive).

* The Alternative Minimum Tax has been set aside for another year.

* $3.7 billion will go to local police programs, mostly for hiring new officers.

Many of these tax credits fade out if you make over $75,000 annually, or $150,000 as a couple.

via Stimulus Bill: What The Stimulus Bill Has For Everyday Americans.

Everyday I receive an email from somebody about how their account was hacked, how a friend tagged them in the photo and they want a way to avoid it, as well as a number of other complications related to their privacy on Facebook. Over the weekend one individual contacted me to let me know that he would be removing me as a friend from Facebook because he was “going to make a shift with my Facebook use – going to just mostly family stuff.”

Perhaps he was tired of receiving my status updates or perhaps he didn’t want me to view photos from his personal life. Whatever the reason for ending our Facebook friendship, I figured that many people would benefit from a thorough overview on how to protect your privacy on Facebook. Below is a step by step process for protecting your privacy.

via 10 Privacy Settings Every Facebook User Should Know.

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and trysending again. The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.

6. Thank you for your message, which has been adde d to a queuing system… You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons… When I return, please refer to me as “Margaret” instead of “Steve”.

via Best Out-of-Office Replies.